Got questions about relationships, work stress, or anything in between? Submit your question to Dr. Mini here or on Instagram.
Why do I want my boyfriend to notice the same things I notice?
“I noticed over the last few years I really love when people see the same things I see, down to the smallest thing. For example, sometimes if I’m driving to the gym with my boyfriend and I see something or someone on the way, it makes me happy if he looks and sees what I see. I get mad if he doesn’t—not too mad because I know it’s not generally anything important.
Is this just wanting to be seen or heard? If not, what is it? I would love to better understand why I feel this way and thought you might have some insight.”
We, as human beings, have many underlying needs when it comes to relationships, one being the need for connection. This can look like affection, attention, communication, intimacy, and understanding, among other things. When our partners are attuned to us in these ways, it makes us feel closer to them.
Your boyfriend is not a mind reader, nor will he always notice exactly what you notice. And it would be unfair for us to expect him to do so. Sometimes in relationships, it’s normal to experience feeling distant, whether emotionally and/or physically. If you feel safe to do so, I would recommend checking in with him and talking to him about connecting more. Being transparent and authentic is a way, in itself, to connect. You will need to clearly express your desire to connect and create more in the relationship.
How do I share my feelings without making others feel guilty?
“How do I best communicate my emotional needs without making someone feel as though I’m blaming them?”
First off, communicating our emotions requires vulnerability and courage. Know this going in. You are brave for wanting to tell someone your true feelings about a situation.
Second, whoever this person may be, tell them how you feel about the situation rather than how you feel about them as a person. For example, “When you don’t call me, I feel hurt, sad, etc.” Identifying your emotions can help clarify where you are.
Next, clarify what you need in the form of a request. For example, “Would you be willing to call me before bed each night?”
Here’s a four-step formula to use the next time you want to express your needs:
Situation: “When [X] happens, …” (Remember that this should be factual, not opinion-based.)
Feelings: “I feel …”
Need: “I need …”
Request: “Would you be willing to …?”
Also know that the person may not respond the way you’d like or expect. We are not responsible for others’ reactions, including their thoughts, behaviors, or emotions. What we are responsible for is being honest and direct so that we can truly express ourselves and have a healthy relationship. The goal of healthy communication is allowing yourself to express yourself authentically and letting others know where you stand.
How do I deal with a boss that makes me feel unworthy and incompetent?
“I’m having a hard time setting a boundary at work with my boss. I’ve always been really driven as an educator, but over the past year or so, my boss continues to devalue me. I feel belittled all the time and I also feel like no matter how hard I try, it’s not enough. I love the job itself, but hate having to interact with a supervisor that makes me feel unworthy and incompetent. I also need this job because my family depends on my income. What should I do?”
Working in a career where you are devalued is extremely difficult, and setting a boundary with a supervisor, or anyone in a position of power, can be really challenging.
What have you tried so far? The best recommendation I can offer is to be assertive in your communication style and set firm boundaries for yourself on what you are and are not willing to compromise.
Set a meeting with your boss to talk about your concerns. Mentally and physically prepare ahead of time. I suggest writing out what you want to say with your main points defined in advance. Let your boss know what your concerns are and that although you love your job, you will not tolerate being belittled or put down. Also let them know the consequences of the situation if it continues (i.e., you’ll report them to a higher authority or other staff). They need to know that you also have power and support.
For anyone else struggling to set boundaries (and not just in a work context), I share more advice in this blog post.
Bình luận