Got questions about relationships, work stress, or anything in between? Submit your question to Dr. Mini here or on Instagram.
How do I stop people-pleasing by default?
“I tend to people-please when I respond, rather than taking a moment to think. What can I do to improve this? How do I best hold strong with setting boundaries?”
Setting boundaries takes practice. “People-pleasers” have a hard time with this for several reasons, including a fear of rejection or hurting others' feelings, a need to be liked, low self-esteem, shame, and guilt. This can result in a passive communication style. As you work toward setting better boundaries, some introspection to know and understand your underlying needs and beliefs could be helpful.
As you mentioned, it helps to take a moment to think before responding. First, take a deep breath to reset your nervous system. If you aren’t already sure, request time to think about your answer. Naturally, this will require some practice.
Remember that even if someone doesn’t like or agree with you, they tend to have more respect when you’re clear, honest, and assertive in your communication because they know where you stand.
Another strategy is to de-catastrophize your worry through a thought exercise:
What are you worried about?
On a scale of 1 to 10 (with 1 being very unlikely and 10 being very likely), what is the likelihood of that occurring? Give examples of past experiences or other evidence to support your answer.
If your worry does come true, what's the worst that could happen?
If your worry does come true, what's most likely to happen?
If your worry comes true, what are the chances (e.g., 95%) that you’ll be OK in one week? How about in one month? In one year?
When our emotions are intensified, like from worry or anxiety, our brain tends to have a negativity bias. Putting your thoughts on paper is a great way to examine the evidence for our thoughts. Also remember that in most situations, you might be uncomfortable in the short term, but being assertive and honest will save you from furthering that initial anxiety into a chronic state.
For anyone else struggling to set boundaries, I share more advice in this blog post.
How do you communicate through tension and conflict?
“What advice can you share about communicating in a relationship when there’s tension or an argument?”
Communication can become very complex and sometimes confusing when there is tension, or during or after an argument. Most of the time when this type of interaction occurs, underlying needs are not being met. Within interpersonal relationships, we all have a need for:
safety
communication
reciprocity (fairness)
connection
self-expression
autonomy
We may not be aware of our needs, leading us to enact ways to meet the demands in maladaptive ways. For example, a person with a need for connection may try to get their partner's attention by starting an argument. Or someone with a need for autonomy might create tension to get space.
The best way to create healthy communication under such tension is to take a moment and become curious about your partner’s underlying needs. Having compassion while feeling frustrated can be challenging, but with practice, it readily provides opportunities to recover and improve the relationship.
What matters more than the argument itself is how you learn to problem-solve and repair after the issue. Couples that are creative, consistent, and willing to negotiate after a disagreement are more successful than those that stonewall—in other words, refuse to engage—or avoid processing their thoughts and emotions collaboratively.
Why do I keep getting into relationships with emotionally unavailable partners?
“I feel like I keep getting into relationships with emotionally unavailable partners when all I want is connection. I feel like I work on myself a lot. I have great friends, a good job, and my health is great. It’s just this. Why do I keep attracting the same kind of person?”
When it comes to relationships, we all have needs. The way we understand our needs can be explained through our individual attachment style.
There are four types:
Secure (“I trust others are always available.”)
Anxious (“I fear others may abandon me.”)
Avoidant (“I don’t trust others.”)
Disorganized (“I’m confused about my emotional bonds.”)
Our attachment styles are formed early in childhood based on our interactions with our immediate caregivers. Because caregivers vary in sensitivity and responsiveness, not all infants attach to caregivers in the same way.
The person you attract is likely meeting a need you have (e.g., security, connection), but you are looking to them to meet that need for you. This is unrealistic and can create instability and anxiety because you can’t control others’ behaviors—and nor should you.
To work through this, you first must learn how to meet your own needs. Partners support us in meeting our own needs, but depending on others is different from leaning on them for support.
Comments